Situation
Someone compliments your accomplishments, and you immediately start giving everyone else the credit.
Your department needs more resources, but you're hesitant to ask because you don't want to seem incapable or demanding.
You disagree with your boss or physician partner, but you soften your position or decide not to speak up.
You finally have a few minutes to yourself, but feel guilty about taking a break.
You know these are perfectly reasonable things to do, yet something about them feels wrong.
You can be experienced, accomplished, and really good at what you do, and still find yourself falling into these patterns.
And when they become automatic, you may not even realize how much they're influencing your decisions.
What's Really Happening
Many women have learned to associate being “good” with being agreeable, humble, self-sacrificing, and putting other people's needs first.
Drawing on historical research and cultural analysis, author Elise Loehnen explores this in On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good.
Loehnen argues that although the seven deadly sins applied to everyone, women were held to a different standard. Qualities that could be admired in men as signs of strength or ambition could get women labeled as selfish, arrogant, or difficult.
Over generations, women learned to suppress even healthy expressions of these qualities. Four of the seven sins show how this can affect leadership:
Pride: In trying not to appear boastful, we become uncomfortable acknowledging our accomplishments.
Greed: In trying not to seem selfish, we become uncomfortable asking for what we need.
Wrath: In trying not to appear angry or difficult, we become uncomfortable disagreeing or standing up for ourselves.
Sloth: In trying not to appear lazy, we feel guilty taking a break, even when we need one.
Over time, these messages about being a “good woman” can become so ingrained that we mistake them for who we are.
And when we're so focused on being seen as good, we can end up giving away our power, limiting our influence, our well-being, and what we're able to accomplish as leaders.
Loehnen calls the way forward choosing wholeness over goodness.
Not giving up being kind, generous, or caring, but recognizing when our need to be seen as good is determining our behavior.
Because once we recognize those expectations, we can begin questioning whether they're actually serving us.
What Helps
Notice when doing something reasonable feels uncomfortable
Pay attention to what happens when you're about to say no, ask for something, disagree with someone, take credit, or take a break.
What are you telling yourself?
“I don't want to seem selfish.”
“I should be able to handle it.”
“What if they think I'm difficult?”
You may be surprised how often these thoughts show up.
The goal isn't to judge yourself for having them. It's to recognize when an old expectation may be influencing what you do next.
Question the belief underneath the discomfort
Ask yourself: “What am I believing I should or shouldn't do here?”
And then: “Is that actually true?”
Maybe you believe a good leader is always available.
But is that really what makes someone a good leader?
Or maybe being a good leader sometimes means protecting your time so you can focus on what matters most.
Maybe you believe acknowledging your accomplishments is boastful.
But what if recognizing your contribution is just being accurate about what you've accomplished?
You can't control how everyone responds. And women sometimes do face harsher judgments for being assertive or ambitious.
But you can decide how much other people's approval gets to determine the kind of leader you want to be.
Practice making a different choice
Start small.
The next time someone compliments your work, instead of immediately giving everyone else the credit, try saying: “Thank you. I really appreciate you noticing.”
And leave it at that.
When someone asks you to take on another responsibility, instead of automatically saying yes, tell them you'll look at your priorities and get back to them.
When you disagree, try stating your position clearly without apologizing for it.
And when you have a few minutes to yourself, maybe actually take them.
You don't have to make dramatic changes overnight.
But each time you make a different choice, you begin learning that you don't always have to follow those old rules.
It may feel uncomfortable. But uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong. Sometimes it just means it's unfamiliar.
You can be kind and still disagree.
You can be generous and still have boundaries.
You can be humble and still be proud of what you've accomplished.
And you can be a dedicated healthcare leader without making yourself available to everybody all the time.
You don't have to give up the qualities that make you a wonderful leader. You just want to be sure you're the one deciding when and how to use them.
Imagine what you could accomplish if you gave yourself permission to lead with everything you've got.
Listen to the podcast episode
🎧 4 “Good Girl” Habits That Undermine Women Healthcare Leaders' Success (Ep. 93)