Hard Moments Make You Question Yourself — How to Build More Lasting Confidence

Jul 7

Written By Mara Ergas

You may be experiencing this if:

You leave one difficult meeting questioning your leadership
A piece of criticism stays with you long after the conversation ends
Your confidence rises and falls depending on how things are going
You find yourself looking to results, feedback, or other people's reactions to decide how you're doing
One difficult day makes you wonder whether you're really cut out for leadership

Leadership asks us to make difficult decisions in front of other people.

To lead change.

Navigate uncertainty.

Handle conflict.

And keep moving forward when outcomes are anything but guaranteed.

It's no wonder so many leaders find themselves searching for confidence.

The key insight is this: Many leaders unknowingly build their confidence on things they don't fully control.

It's natural to feel more confident when:

The problem isn't that these things matter.

The problem is that they change.

When confidence depends primarily on external outcomes, it becomes fragile.

One setback.

One mistake.

One difficult conversation.

And suddenly, your confidence disappears, not because you've become less capable, but because the conditions you were relying on have shifted.

Lasting confidence grows somewhere else.

Not from knowing everything will go well.

But from trusting yourself to handle whatever happens.

Notice what your confidence depends on
Before an important meeting or conversation, ask yourself:"What outcome do I believe I need in order to feel confident?"
Maybe it's:
- Everyone agrees with me.
- I have all the answers.
- Nobody gets upset.
- The conversation goes smoothly.
Noticing those expectations is the first step toward changing them.

Shift your attention from the outcome to yourself
Instead of asking: "How can I make sure this goes well?"
Try asking: "Who do I want to be, regardless of how this goes?"
For example:
- I want to stay curious.
- I want to listen well.
- I want to stay calm.
- I want to be courageous.
- I want to keep learning.
Those are things you can control—even when the outcome is uncertain.

Let courage build your confidence
Many leaders wait until they feel confident before taking action.
But confidence often grows the other way around.
Each time you:
- have the difficult conversation
- admit you don't know
- recover from a mistake
- speak up despite uncertainty
you're teaching yourself something important: "I can handle hard things."
That's the kind of confidence that lasts.

Debrief yourself differently
After a difficult situation, resist asking: "Did it go well?"
Instead ask: "What did I do today that strengthened my trust in myself?"
Maybe you:
- stayed present during conflict
- repaired a difficult conversation
- spoke up when it mattered
- remained calm under pressure
Those are signs of growth, even if the outcome wasn't perfect.

Measure yourself by who you're becoming
Results matter.
Preparation matters.
Performance matters.
But they aren't the whole story.
A leader's growth often begins long before the metrics reflect it.
Instead of asking: "What do my results say about me?"
Try asking: "Who am I becoming through this?"
That question shifts your attention from proving yourself…
to growing yourself.

Real confidence isn't believing everything will work out.

It's trusting yourself to meet the moment, even when it doesn't.

That's the kind of confidence that becomes steadier with every difficult conversation, every setback, and every courageous step forward.

Mara Ergas

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