When Staff Go Over Your Head Instead of Coming to You

The situation

You find out — not directly — that a staff member went to HR, the union, or your manager about an issue you reasonably could have talked through together. You weren’t looped in. You weren’t given a heads-up. And even if you stay calm on the outside, internally your mind starts racing.

Why didn’t they come to me?
Did I miss something?
What does this say about my leadership?

It feels undermining, exposing, and deeply discouraging — especially when you’re already carrying a lot.

What’s really happening

Most of the time, bypassing isn’t about disrespect or lack of trust in you. It’s about procedural safety.

People escalate when they’re unsure:

• where concerns should go

• how decisions are made

• whether speaking up will actually lead to movement

• or whether raising something directly might backfire
  

In moments of uncertainty, the nervous system looks for predictability — and formal structures (HR, union, senior leadership) can feel more stable than relationships, even good ones.

This is a core principle of procedural justice: when people trust the process, they’re far more likely to tolerate outcomes they don’t love. When the process feels unclear or inconsistent, they escalate — not to undermine, but to feel safe.

What helps

Shift from personalizing the bypass to clarifying the process.

Pause the self-blame and look at the system
Instead of asking, “Why didn’t they come to me?” ask:
What part of the process felt unclear or unsafe?
In complex systems, bypassing is often about predictability — not disrespect.

Make pathways visible
People are more likely to come to you when they understand how decisions actually move.

Narrate decisions out loud
Don’t assume people know how things work behind the scenes.

This can sound like:
“This part is set by contract.
This part I can flex within guidelines.
And if a change is needed, here’s how input gets gathered and considered.”

Close loops, even imperfectly
Silence creates anxiety. Follow-through creates trust.
Even without a resolution, leaders in the episode named progress by saying:

“I don’t have an answer yet, but I haven’t forgotten — and here’s when I’ll check back.”

Repair without punishment
A calm, curious conversation after a bypass often prevents the next one.

For example:

“I noticed you went another route.
Can we talk about what felt safest there — and how I can support you better next time?”

Trust isn’t built by insisting people come to you first.
It’s built by making it safe, predictable, and worthwhile to do so.

Listen to the podcast episode

🎧 When Staff Go Over Your Head: What It Really Means (and How Great Leaders Respond) — Ep. 55